Wednesday, July 8, 2009

That's The Way I Loved You...

No relationship is perfect. Everyone out there knows that. But someone can be perfect FOR you. I found that person over a year and a half ago...and now I've lost him. We broke up a little over a month ago and every day that goes by that I don't hear his voice...kills me.
I never thought I would love someone the way that I loved him. I never thought someone could have such an impact on my life the way he did. The things he made me realize about myself, the ways he changed me for the better...the way he made me see that I was worth everything when I felt like nothing. He stood by me no matter what and never put me down. That was not something I was used to when I met him.
Shortly after we met, my life turned to complete shit. I was miserable and crying a lot but unlike any other guy, he didn't run. He stayed right there with me and helped me through whatever was going on. Not many other men would do that...I know from experience.
The littlest things about him made my day. The way he laughed, smiled...the way he called me "babe"...even the way he picked on me. Especially the way he said "I love you." He could talk and talk and talk about physics and science and I absolutely loved every seccond of it. Most of the time I had no idea what he was talking about, but just hearing his voice and the passion it had in it when he spoke about those things made me love him more with each word.
I wasn't the greatest girlfriend in the world. I know that. I have a lot of problems. I don't open up the way I should. I don't talk about my feelings like I should. A lot of that comes from the way I was raised and my past relationships. I really can't blame it on that though. When you love someone, you should give them everything...every single part of you. For some reason, I never could completely open up to him. He knew more about me and the way I felt than anyone...but I should have done more. I should have talked to him instead of saying "Nevermind" or "Nothing" all the time.
Even though he told me when he left me that it wasn't my fault and that it just wasn't going to work between us, I still blame myself. I keep thinking about how it would have turned out if I wasn't so afraid...if I had opened up more to him. Told him how I felt. It couldn't have been easy to be in a relationship with me. He deserves a big pat on the back for putting up with me as long as he did. *laughs*
I miss him a lot. I miss talking to him on the phone. I miss hearing his voice. I miss his jokes and hearing him talk about science. I miss hearing him tell me he loves me most of all. Those 3 words meant more to me coming from him than anyone else. My day could have been total shit, but when I picked up that phone and dialed his number after work, it was as if nothing else mattered in the world when he said "Hey baby", "Hey sexy" or "Hi beautiful." I knew he was there with me, even if on the phone, and that made everything okay.
He also made me feel like I was beautiful again. I know this sounds sappy and stupid, but it's true. I thought so lowly of myself when I met him but somehow he changed that. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl in the world (which is soooo not true). But I honestly believed that to him, I was. I would give him major shit about it, but I believed it every single time it came out of his mouth.
This man changed my life for the better in so many ways and he'll never know. Even if I sat and spilled my guts to would still never be enough for him to fully understand how I felt about him and what he means to me. I wish for 5 secconds, he could get inside my head and be able to truly understand and feel what I feel for him, but that will never happen so I guess for now, this blog is going to have to do.
I know there is no chance of us being able to be together again. I'm not sure if I could handle it if I had to go through this break up one more time. Right now I'm just focused on being friends with him. As badly as I miss him, I want to be his friend. I would rather that than not have him in my life at all. Losing him as a boyfriend was bad enough...losing him completely would crush me even more.
Him and I would sit and watch movies together and TV specific show he got me hooked on was Stargate. I never in a million years thought I'd like it. I would have rathered watched grass grow than watch an episode of that...but I fell in love with the show. I got 3 seasons into it before we broke up and now that I'm's so hard to finish watching it. I can't make it through an episode without crying.
Same thing with a book that he bought. He used to read to me. I absolutely loved it. I fell asleep on him a few times, but I loved it. He didn't finish this book before we broke up, but he was sweet enough to buy it for me and send it to me so I could finish it. I about broke down when he told me what he did. Even after we broke up and he never had to do anything nice for me again...he still did. It was little things like that, that make me realize just how much he loved me. It took me almost a month to start reading the book. I started it from the beginning and every now and then I'll read a line that I remember him reading and it still makes me tear up.
I know I must sound like a nut case, but I love him and I always will. There will always be a huge chunk of my heart that belongs to Chris. Things didn't turn out the way either of us wanted them to, but I still have him in my life as my friend and that's more than I could ever ask for. He is an amazing person and whoever winds up with him, has no idea how lucky they are.
I want to thank him for everything he has done for me and for making me feel like I never have before. I just hope that we can move on from this and stay as close as we once were. I hope he knows that I love him more than just romantically. I care about him and I worry about him and I'm so so proud of him. Eventually we will both get better and the pain will subside and dull a bit but as I said before, there is a HUGE chunk of my heart that will belong to him...always.

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